Okay so October is over and as many of you may have noticed via my blog, facebook or twitter that I've been out of sorts lately. I think I'm going through some sort of mid life crisis. I've had some great highs this past month like the times spent with some of the best friends a guy could ever ask for and then there are have been some super lows like when I'm home alone for a weekend struggling to motivate myself to do anything. I've had friends ask if I'm depressed and suicidal. I admit I have been depressed from time to time but I don't think I would call it clinical depression. As for suicidal, defiantly not, I have never once in my life consider that.. so no worries there. Some have suggested that I see a professional, now I'm not opposed to the idea but I'd really like to try and work this out for myself before taking that step.
I am extremely lonely, even though I have some of the best friends that I have ever had in my entire life, I'm still feel alone. After hanging out with them and feeling on top of the world, I come home to this big house empty house in the middle of no where. I really think this is all fallout from the break up. Having someone in your life everyday for 8 years then nothing is going to take some getting use to. I felt as if I had gotten over Harry and was moving on with my life, but I guess deep down I'm still struggling with the loneliness.
I feel as thought I've hit a crossroads in life and I have to make some big decisions. I'm 41 (halfway though my life), jobless (really not sure if I want to go back into Post Production), and single (after an 8 relationship). Where do I go from here, what do I want to do with the next 40 years of my life. I need to really look at my life and figure out what direction I want to go.
I mean when I was younger and I though about my life at 40 this is not what I had in mind. I saw myself, as many of us do. With a loving partner of many years, 1 or 2 kids, a house and a satisfying job and right now I have the least important one of them all, a house.
I'm going to take this month (November) and really work out what my next steps will be to help me reach my future goal of partner, family, and satisfying career. I'm sure things won't just click into place, it's going to be a struggle but I'm hopeful that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.