Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Day After

Didn't sleep to well, as expected. But I got up early to work on some podcasts. Figured if I kept my mind busy I wouldn't be dwelling on the fact that Harry is no longer here. So that is pretty much what I did all day. I worked on the next MASH 4077 Podcast & my Knights of the Guild minicast, which took about ten hours to finish and between podcasting I took breaks to watch some TV and clean around the house. Was going to try and work on my new podcast Confessions of a Fanboy but by 8pm I was so exhausted and ready for bed, but I did mange to stay awake a bit longer to finish up the two podcasts I did get done today as they were being released at midnight tonight. Finally went to bed around 11pm.

I've come to realize why Harry's leaving hit me so hard and unexpectedly. I came out of the closet when I was 27 about to turn 28. Before that I had never been in a relationship and once I was out, from age 28 to 32 I only dated six guys and the longest relationship I had was six months. Then I meet Harry and he was the one, he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Well eight years later (and because of our government and other circumstances) our relationship ended. This was my first "real" break up, my first "real" broken heart. I'm 40 years old and I guess I've been lucky but I've never been this close to anyone in my entire life and then to have them be gone. No amount of preparation could prepare you for that. I have been fortunate and I've never lost (death) someone I was extremely close with. So I have never had to deal with this feeling of "never seeing that person again". Now of course Harry's isn't dead and I can still talk, text or skype with him. But since he's in Europe and I can't just go hang out with him, and I feel that same feeling of lose.

I'm happy to say that I am doing okay, not better, but okay. I don't think I cried the entire day. My heart hurts like I never thought it could, but I know this pain will go away in time and I'll learn to cope with the lose and move on. Right now I'm taking it a day at a time.

1 comment:

  1. You hang in there, Kenny. I had my first relationship when I was 31 and it lasted for about 4 1/2 years. Our split was a bit different from yours in that we had a number of difficulties relating to his job. He worked for the local Board of Education and could not risk coming out. We split in January of 2000 and it hurt like a mofo.

    It hurt for a VERY long time.

    When I received word in 2009 that he had passed away, and I had not seen him in those nine years, it was like someone wrapped me in a cold wet blanket. His and I went on to become close friends and helped each other not only deal with his passing, but we both gained a lot of closure AND support.

    He took it one day at a time just like I did back in 2000. The pain does ease up, but it doesn't ever really go completely away. At least it hasn't for me, anyway. Hell, I still carry a picture of Bill in my wallet these 11 years later and I still enjoy looking at him.

    But things have gotten better, life has moved on, and so has my heart. You take your time with each day, fella. It does get better for everyone.