Being Self Conscious

Today I wore my Dudes Marry Dudes shirt and of course I got stares but no hateful comments (thankfully). But after a while having people make eye contact with me and then move to my chest I started to get self conscious. Soon as someone would do that I would fold my arms in front of me. Or when I had to use the restroom and another person was in there I would make sure to obscure my shirt from them.

Now I'm not ashamed to be a gay man but I'm cautious as I've had a few run in with those who feel that I am an abomination. When I choose to where this shirt I really do think out my day. Where am I going, who will I be interacting with. And I hate that I do that but to me it's a necessary thing.

Today there was an unexpected lunch with my buddy Robert. We didn't plan to have lunch but he asked and it's always great seeing him so I said yes. We went to El Pollo Loco and it's in a "lower' income part of town and normally there are a ton of High School kids there.. but lucky for me it's still summer and we went a bit after lunch time so there were no run ins.

Part of me asks why I wear this shirt if it makes me uncomfortable at times but then the other part of me says why not wear it. I'm a proud gay man and I want marriage equality... who gives a f*ck what others think. I don't have to prove anything to anyone but myself. But still there's always that fear of being attacked (verbally or physically) and/or killed. Luckily I've only been called a fag or faggot a few times in my life and have never gotten into any physical altercation.

It's a constant internal battle but one of these days I'll be able to walk down the street with this shirt on and truly not care about the stares and name calling. I hope that day is soon..