Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Treading Water...

I'm not sure what's going on lately in my life. I feel like I'm going through the motions everyday. I wake up, jump online, talk with friends, look for work, workout, yard work, watch TV, edit podcast, write my script, eat, and sleep. Day in and day out it's the same thing. There are days when I wake up and I'm full of energy and I have this grand plan to get so much done and then by the end of the day I feel like crap because somehow the entire day has passed by and I didn't do a single thing planned. I don't know what it is.. I lack structure... I just feel like I'm lost in life at the moment.

This isn't recent stuff.. I've felt this way for a few years now. I'm not saying I'm depressed all the time but I do fight bouts of depression from time to time. I know I blog about hanging out with friends and going to Disneyland and Magic Mountain and my life seems like an endless joy ride but it's really isn't. I spend the majority of my days alone at home trying to stay motivated long enough to get something done around house, to workout, to edit podcasts, to write my script.

I have friends tell me all the time.. well it seems like you're always having fun, partying or going to amusement parks, unfortunately that's not true.. When I tweet or post a blog you only hear about all the fun stuff so it seems like I'm always having fun.

I feel like my life is lacking direction for the first time in 40 years. I've always known what I wanted out of life, a great job, family, a partner, travel and all the other typical things folks want out of life but then something changes and everything seems to fall apart.

I'm single after 10 years, with no prospects of finding someone else or even the need to find anyone else. I'm jobless and have only worked 5 months out of the last 24 months and currently I'm not wanting to get back into my line of work. So naturally you ask what do you want to do. That's not an easy question as I've been in my current career for over 18 years and when I'm working I make pretty good money. I won't be able to find a job that will start me off even close to that. So I would need to start back on the bottom and I don't know if I can "financially" do that.

With every passing year the idea of having a family dwindles. That was until a few months ago when I made a vow to adopt at least one "older" child by the time I was 45. I am determined to be a father. Of course I will have to have a steady job and make enough money to support a family.

I haven't done nearly as much traveling as I would like. I've been to about 20 or so states and down in Mexico but I've never been abroad which has always been a dream of mine. I've even considered moving to England for a year just for a change of pace.

My most immediate issue beside finding a job is selling my house. My ex and I purchased this together almost four years ago and though there is no legal obligation for me to sell the house and give him a portion of the money, morally I would not screw him over like that. So my main priority is fixing up the house and putting it on the market which I have been extremely lazy about doing as of late. I need to kick myself in the ass and get it down so it's one less financial burden to have.

I don't know what it is but it's time for a change. Friends give me advise and I so appreciate it but it's really up to me to make the changes, to take back control of my life and start moving forward.. I'm tired of just treading water.

It's time for a new chapter in my life and I'm the only one who can make it happen... so let's do it!!!


  1. The thing you lack besides structure is self discipline

  2. Sweetie, you might want to think about going back to school. You could take a few classes and see where it leads you. You can meet new people, and look at the class schedule and see what looks interesting or jumps off the page. If you were taking a writing class, you could use your script as an assignment, and it would motivate you to finish since you would have a deadline.

    If you go to your local community college, it will cost a lot less than a four year university, and the students are a huge age range so you wouldn't feel out of place at all.Just a thought. xoxo JL