Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Fighting Depression

I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember, and I do a pretty good job at hiding it and going along with my life, but this past few weeks have been really rough for me. I try and avoid posting very "personal" stuff on this blog as this is more about me being a geek but sometimes things get through, especially if I'm on my soapbox about gay rights. Anyways this is going to be one of those personal posts so if you don't like these posts then please move on to the next one.

Just a few years ago I had a partner, a dog, a house, the best group of friends any guy could ask for, a great career, which lead to a nice savings and being debt free, life was pretty good. Then things took a turn for the worse. My partner and I broke up, he took our dog, I struggled with my career which lead to me selling the house. Not finding work depleted my savings and drove me into some very steep debt. The close knit group of friends began to crack and venture out in different directions and life's plans just kind of took a nose dive. I don't know what happen, or what triggered it but I can't seem to stop it. I'm continuing to free fall and I'm doing everything I can to slow down so when I hit rock bottom I won't be splattered all over the place.

I know I have a friends who care about me, I know my family loves me and I do have some fantastic days (Disneyland, D&D, Comic Con) or even a month (Ireland/UK trip). But overall it's day after day of the same thing... and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't like feeling this way... firstly I feel like I'm complaining (the woe is me type of thing) and second I know there are people out there in much worst situations but even knowing all this stuff and trying to put on a brave face and just deal with it... I can't... at least not this week and I'm letting the depression win.

On the bright side, if there is one, even at my lowest, the thought of suicide has never crossed my mind. I could never be that selfish. I couldn't do that to my family and friends.

I know this severe bout of depression will subside soon enough, but this is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I need to stop this falling and begin to climb back out of this very deep hole.

1 comment:

  1. There's not really a cure for feeling depressed. Even self medicating only chases it away temporarily. I believe that many, many people suffer from it but are too ashamed to admit it-which in turn makes them feel guilty, which in turn makes the depression worse. It's a terrible vicious cycle.

    You are doing everything you know how to do, to keep it at bay-which is all anyone can be expected to do. Spend lots of time with friends, with family, and call someone when things get really crappy. Although right now your finances are an issue, hopefully things will get better, you can find a permanent position somewhere, and then you can see a therapist. In the meantime, read all you can about it, and strategies to fight it off.

    I'm always so proud of you because you are so brave to step out into the world and do things. Selling your house and making a move was a very brave thing to do. You knew you needed to make a change and you stepped forward and did it. That says so much about the person you are!

    Sending love to you as always, and Matt sends hugs to you as well sweetheart. <3 from JL