Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Am I Ashamed of Being Gay?

Of course my answer would be no. I'm happy with who I am as a human being, I like me and my life. I think I'm a fairly good person and try and treat everyone I meet the same. But there are those times when I do question that.. and I don't know if ashamed is the correct word.. maybe it's embarrassed, disappointed or insecure.. what ever term you use it's not good and I hate feeling this way.

Example... when I wear this t-shirt (in photo). It states that Some Dudes Marry Dudes, Get Over It. Now I guess the person wearing this doesn't necessarily need to be gay, they could be a support of LGBT community. But when I wear this shirt I make sure I wear it in appropriate places and I hate that I think like that. When I put this shirt on today I thought to myself. Okay I'm bringing lunch to work so I won't have to go outside for any reason, I'll just remain in my office all day.. yeah it's okay to wear it then. When I'm at work and I leave my office to go to the bathroom (which is down the hall from the our offices) and there are other people walking in the opposite direction I tend to turn my body or fold my arms over the chest so you can't really read the words on the shirt. It's stupid and I hate that I do that but for whatever reason I do.

I don't know if it's because I don't want to make the other person uncomfortable, or the fact that I don't like conflict and this is a way to avoid it, or maybe I care what this complete stranger thinks about me (which is totally stupid). But I think the main reason has to do with fear.. I been called faggot a few times, given the evil eye and threatened with bodily harm. It's hard to predict how a person (a complete stranger) will react when they find out your gay... in a worse case scenario you are beaten to a pulp, strapped to a fence and left for dead. 

I know the feeling is irrational and luckily I don't feel that way 95% of the time but I guess it's just part of being a gay man in a world where 50% of the people hate you, 25% tolerate you and only 25% accept you for who you are.


  1. I dont think you're ashamed of being gay.
    I dont always want to announce to the world that I am a geek. I am often happy to do so but there are times when I prefer to keep things on a professional level or I just dont want any of the follow-up questions, or judgement, that I know will come. If anyone would ask me, then sure, I'd be open with it. But there's no demand to always announce this specific part of our identity to the world at every turn (unless we want to). It doesn't make us "bad" geeks/gays in any way, and you shouldn't feel that way.

    The fact that the choice of sexuality is a more controversial one (because the world is stupid) makes your actions even more rational. It sucks that you have to do so out of fear, and we are working towards changing that, but it is still 100% your choice. We can applaud those who have the energy to always "fight the good fight" without taking anything away from those of us who sometimes have days where it just isn't in us to do so.

    End of rambling.

    1. Thanks Bel for your comments.. always appreciated.

  2. This post really made me sad and I think I've nailed down why. Most people are cultured in a heteronormative way. Even though you have no reason to be ashamed or to worry about offending someone, we are built to think that how you were born and what this shirt professes are somehow "other" and it's a hard conditioning to shake. This conflict you feel is so honest and I thank you for sharing your vulnerability because I do not think you are alone. Whether you are gay or straight, we live in a world where Hetero comes first and then we learn about these other orientations. I hope that one day we can all be able to introduce children to all orientations at once when the question of love is introduced so that we can avoid that first moment of othering. Ugh. I'm rambling I'm sorry. It just breaks my heart that even today we pass on this mental wiring.

    1. Thank you Anne for your kind words and insight.